In chaos theory, the famous term "butterfly effect" shaped by mathematician Edward N. Lorenz, describes how a single event in a complex system can have a significant impact over time.
This theory often crosses my mind when I think about my family history and all the trauma that comes with it: In 1960, a tragic accident happened in my family, resulting in the death of my grandmother's two-year-old daughter, biologically my aunt. Very shortly after her death my mother was born, which seemed like a replacement, since my mother would not exist if the other child had not died. Not only the toys and clothes of my deceased aunt were passed on to her, but also the burdens of loss and suppressed guilt.
Disappearing into a mist of collective silence, the traumatic event from 1960 remains unprocessed in my family, though it seemed to shape our family's identity and relationships in many different ways. In both autobiographical and fictional fragments, 'Clandestine' is an attempt to explore the feeling of transgenerational pain that arises from one source trauma.